1-800-DARKSIDE
by The Purple Schnoodle
Summary: A mix of humor, some starwars characters both original and Lucas owned. It actually has a plot, despite all this.


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As I've decided to post this on FanFiction.net, I've decided that mebbe it'd be a good idea to give you a bit of background here. First, the timeline is pretty much the same one that my friends and I use to role play. Thus: Qui-Gon is not dead. Darth Maul is not dead (though he probably will wish he was, after Dem's through with him). Anakin has not been turned to the dark side. And there's a few original characters (okay, more than a few) thrown into the mix. The major difference is that the Star Wars characters have already met the Chaos Lords (read the information at the very beginning of "The Chaos Lord Chronicles: Digital Chaos." It explains the Chaos Lords, which is not something I'm gonna do right now. If you don't want to, just except that things are very weird) and Dementia Moonstruck. Obi-Wan has (very much out of characters. Sorry, dude) developed a phobia of Dementia. And I think_ that's about it. You get confused, you just tell me (the_purple_schnoodle@yahoo.com) _

D'nea

Rahvin teleported us to the spot we'd pinpointed as Dementia's location. We materialized behind her, and she spun on around to face us, brandishing Schnookums and grinning her evil grin. Then she recognized us, saw our glares, and frowned. 

"Whaaaat?"

Rahvin folded her arms. "Dem. You can't go around and destroying things because you think they're headquarters of the Carrots." 

Dementia just looked stubborn. "I haven't destroyed anything yet." An explosion rocked the earth. "Okay. NOW I've destroyed something."

"_Dem_!" 

Dementia scowled. "Humph. It was necessary! It was one of the main hideouts of the Carrots!"

Ae'ros blew his top. "It was a _plutonium mine!!!!!!_" 

Dementia shrugged. "So?"

Rahvin scowled. "Dem, we're very mad at you. Y'gotta promise me you'll never, _ever_ do this again." 

Dementia paused, as if considering. I ticked off the seconds in my head. If she took too long, she'd probably be finding a loophole. If she agreed right away, she probably already knew of one. I realized it was a no-win situation, and got a sudden feeling of foreboding.

She gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Fine. I won't." Ae'ros narrowed his eyes, and she held up Schnookums. "I swear by Schnookums here."

"Alright. Can we go home now?" I spoke up, adding silently, _Get _away_ from the plutonium mine, before the other shoe falls_. 

Rahvin nodded, and in a flash, we were back on Chaos.

In the middle of the now abandoned crater that once was a mine of something that was _believed_ to be plutonium but really was about as 

not-plutonium as you could get, a shoe dropped out of nowhere, to land on a small, glowing rock.

__

Dementia

I'd found the perfect loophole. But I wasn't going to use it quite yet. My friends are great, but they just don't understand the importance of my mission: Rid the Diadem of the Evil Carrots. So I had to strike the Carrots when both they and my friends were least expecting it. This makes the most basic plans more complicated, but it also has a better feeling of satisfaction afterwards. 

Anyhow, I decided that, while I waited for the perfect moment, I should rent a movie.

Oh, a note? Movie rental clerks get noticeably freaked out if you teleport into the middle of their store. Although, since it was my usual video store, you'd think they would have gotten _used_ to this by now.

The clerk gaped at me and I grinned evilly. Striding over to the counter, I leaned over it. "I want to rent the Phantom Menace, please."

"Ah....ah....ah..."

"Oh! I get it! You must be a new guy," I gave him a patronizing look. "I'm sure your superior will explain. Now, give me my Phantom Menace!"

"Ah....ah..."

This guy just wasn't getting it. 

"Give me the tape! I want to see if Braid-Boy still has his nervous twitch!" The clerk just gaped at me. "Look. Just give me the tape, and I won't hit you with Schnookums here." I waved Schnookums to make my point. 

The clerk looked petrified, grabbed a tape from behind the counter and flung it at me, before ducking for cover. I glanced at the tape, saw it said "The Phantom Menace" on the front, and grinned. 

The great _whooshing _sound died down and the clerk peered out from behind the refuge of his counter, just as the manager stuck her head out of her office to see what the racket was. 

"Has that ever happened before?" He whispered fearfully. 

The manager shrugged, "Once, with 'A Bugs Life'. Said something about 'Rescuing friends from grasshoppers'," she replied. "Don't worry about it, though. She's always very punctual about her returns." 

The clerk stared at her in horror and promptly fainted.

I suddenly landed on a very ticked Darth Maul. 

He shoved me off, stood up, and brushed himself off, muttering some words that I didn't know he knew. Though, thinking about it, he _is_ a Sith. Certainly the Sith know the four lettered words? 

While I was pondering this, he suddenly lit up his lightsaber. Doing a tricky and very cool display, he suddenly sliced me in half. Or tried too. I giggled my patented "I'm insane, and shall now proceed to drive you crazy" giggle, and snapped back together. I grinned evilly at him before lunging and giving him a Hug of Doom.

He turned purple. Which is, by the way, a very interesting color for a Sith.

"Aaaaaargh! Gerroff!" The purple Sith choked at me. "Get...off...me!"

I gave him a tighter squeeze, then let go. He toppled backwards and lay on his back for a few moments, gasping. After a minute or so, he got enough breath to glare savagely at me. Then he leapt up, and suddenly his lightsaber was back in his hand. He swung it at me again. And again. And again. Finally, he decided that no matter how many times it looked like his lightsaber went clean through me, I was _still_ grinning at him, so he gave up and went back to glaring. I just grinned my innocent little evil grin. 

Soon he saw that glaring wasn't going to get him anywhere either, so he spun around and strode off across the sands of Tatooine to his ship. I followed behind, and made a point of stepping on his cloak every step of the way. 

__

D'nea

"There it goes! Quick! Quick! Before it gets away!"

"AAAAH! Get it away! Get it away!" 

"Ae'ros! Show some backbone!"

"Easy for you to say! AAAAH! I'm blue! I'm _blue_!"

"Ae'ros, you're over reacting."

"I'm **_blue_**!!"

"You're indigo."

"Hello? Is anyone else noticing we're letting it get away?"

The three of us pounded after the tiny, fleeing animal that was armed with one of those little paper umbrellas.

"It has an umbrella! Look! It has an umbrella!" Ae'ros shrieked.

"What's your point?"

"Don't you understand?! I'm not going near that thing! It's one of _hers_!"

"Ae'ros, stop being such a baby."

"It's too late anyway. You're already blue."

"Though, you did do some good dodging back there, by the by," Rahvin grinned wickedly. "Who'd have thought that marshmallows are so flammable?" 

"Yeah, yeah, don't remind me."

Just then, the mouse turned, pointed it's little umbrella at us, and pelted us with a stream of whipped cream. A lot of spluttering, slipping, and various yells and curses followed.

After we'd cleaned ourselves off a bit, Rahvin and I stalked over to the newly created mouse hole, and got down on our hands and knees. 

"How'd it get here?" Rahvin asked.

"Don't ask me," I muttered. "It's Dem's minion."

"There's actually no proof of that."

"Rahvin, it has a little umbrella. With which it squirted us with whipped cream. It's in _primary colors_ for Bob's sake!"

"Alright, alright. So maybe it is hers. So! We'll go and get her to take care of it."

We stood up, and turned back to Ae'ros, who was huddled on the table in the middle of the Great Hall, dripping blobs of whipped cream onto the wooden surface. He looked up at us as we entered. "Is it gone?"

"No. We're going to get Dem to get it for us. It's hers, after all."

"Chicken."

"Look who's talking."

Just then, there was a sound like the mother of all fireworks going off overhead. We zipped outside as the thing crackled and boomed over our heads. Once outside, we looked up. There, in big purplish blue, firework letters was simply: S.O.S. 

"A dimensional S.O.S. flare!" Rahvin commented. 

"But...who's?" I wondered.

"It's blue. So that would make it.....um...."

"Darth Maul's?" Ae'ros suggested.

We spun on him. "You gave a dimensional S.O.S. flare to the _bad guy_?!" I yelped.

Rahvin scowled at him. "This actually shouldn't be surprising. He _always_ bets on the bad guy."

"They always win!" He protested. "Well, until the end."

"That's when it _counts_, Ae'ros!" 

He sulked and we glared at him for a minute or so. Then, to break the silence and remembering that it _was_ an S.O.S. flare, so most likely someone was in trouble and we shouldn't be standing here bickering, I commented, "It's not Darth Maul's anyway.....it'd be red."

"That's true," Rahvin agreed. We turned back to the blazing letters in the sky. "So...who's is it?"

"Jar Jar's?"

"You gave _Jar Jar _one? I'm surprised we haven't gotten one sooner!"

"No, no, wait! His is orange. Sorry!"

"Whose flare is blue then?"

There was a pause while we all frowned in concentration. 

Then Rahvin meeped. "I know! It's Obi-Wan's!"

"Oh yeah!" I smacked my forehead. "Blue, like his lightsaber!"

"So, quick! Get him!" Ae'ros told Azzie.

The Jedi Temple, Coruscant. 

The now Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi burst into his mentor and former Master Qui-Gon Jinn's room. He realized he probably should have knocked, but there was something very urgent he needed to tell Qui-Gon. 

Qui-Gon and Katay White, one of the younger trainees at the temple, were in the middle of a conversation when the young Knight came in. They both looked up, and before Qui-Gon could greet the young man, Obi-Wan burst out, "She's here!" Qui arched and eyebrow, and waited for his former Padawan to continue. "Well, not here specifically, but she's in our world again! There's been small, unpopulated planets blowing up for no apparent reason! And before some have been blown up, there's been a ship spotted doing loop-de-loops around them! It's _her!_"

Katay, Kay to her friends, blinked. It wasn't like Obi-Wan to babble like that, so whatever it was had to be serious. She was about to tell him to sit down and _slow_ down, when Qui-Gon did it for her. The Jedi Master gestured to a chair. "Sit." When Obi-Wan did, he added, "Now. Start from the beginning..._slowly._"

Obi-Wan nodded. "There's been many small, unpopulated planets blown to bits for no apparent reason. And, I've noticed a pattern." He pulled out a holocube, and activated it. A smallish star-map appeared. Kay realized suddenly that some of the planets on the map had been highlighted. They seemed to form a word...."D...e...n? Den?" (A/N: Alright! Alright! I _know_ they're not supposed to know the English written language. Deal wit it!)

"The word's not finished," Obi-Wan pressed another button, and a few more planets lit up, finishing the word. "Dementia." He flinched as he said it.

Kay blinked. "What?" 

Qui-Gon frowned. "We had their promise that they'd keep her from doing these things."

"Who?"

"Perhaps we should contact them? Perhaps they've turned to stone again."

"_Who_?"

"That sounds reasonable. They might be able to shed some light on this. Do you still have the dimensional flare?"

"Ki!" Kay yelped, "What's going on!" 

Both Jedi looked slightly startled, having momentarily forgotten about her, and then Qui-Gon answered. "It concerns some friends. One of them has a tendency to be a bit destructive." Obi-Wan bit back a sarcastic remark, and let his former master continue. "From what Obi-Wan has told me, she's at it again."

"And you're going to go talk to these other people, and get them to make her stop it?" Kay concluded. 

Qui-Gon nodded. Obi-Wan took a small device off his belt. It was round, and had a green, purple, and blue swirled crystal embedded in it. Suddenly, a small packet of papers labeled "instruction manual" appeared with a "pop". Obi-Wan stooped and picked it up. Opening to the first page, he read silently to himself and shook his head before reading it aloud. "Hello. This is the instructions to the S.O.S. flare that should have in your possession. If you don't have said S.O.S. flare, then why the heck do you have this instruction manual? Anyway...here's the stuff you need to know: One. Do not ignite flare in space smaller than three feet by three feet. Results could be messy. Two. Do not ignite flare in largely crowded area, unless the crowded area is crowded by the things that are making you want to use the S.O.S. flare. Then it's okay. It's not like you're trying to save _them_ anyway. Three. It might take a few minutes, so don't wait until the _last_ minute to ignite. Four. Don't ignite in water. I mean, you _can_ but why? If you're drowning, you're probably out of luck because, like I said before, it'll take a minute or so for us to respond. Then again, if you're drowning, then why the heck are you reading an instruction manual? Just set the darn thing off!!! Five. Wait...is there a five? I don't think so....alright. Just put two fingers on the crystal and push down. I said _down_. Yes, that's right."

Qui-Gon hid a smile. "Well, were you expecting something different?" 

__

Back at Chaos

Ae'ros and I worked on the Gate between the Chaos and Coruscant. After a few seconds, we realized that where ever they'd set off the flare wasn't quite big enough for a full sized gate. I motioned Ae'ros to hold on for a moment, and went over to the Gate. Sticking my head through, I saw Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and a young girl desperately trying to move furniture out of the way. I winced. "Aaaah...sorry 'bout that." They looked up, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan hiding their surprise at the sight of my head poking through a hole in the air. The girl registered shock, then tried to do the same. "We're going to just teleport, a'right? See you in a moment." I pulled my head back through.

"That's very disturbing, you know," Avi, Rahvin's cousin who'd just joined us, commented.

"Deal with it, Vi."

Avi blinked. "Vi? First you shorten my name from Avienha to Avi, and now, to add insult to injury, you call me 'Vi'?"

"Yes. Rahvin, teleport them, please."

My friend closed her eyes and concentrated. With a double pop, the two Jedi Masters appeared. A moment later, a young girl appeared behind them, looking smug. Rahvin frowned. "How'd she..."

"She can plane walk," Qui-Gon explained.

Ae'ros looked befuddled as an indigo boy can look. "Plane-"

There was a sound, like a thousand, distant wind chimes blowing in the wind. My view shifted.

"-walk?" Rahvin finished. And gasped. I noticed quite suddenly that she was blue. "I sound like Rahvin!"

"Rahvin, you _are_ Rahvin!" I grinned, then choked. "What th' spuff?! I sound like Ae'ros!" 

The Jedi looked mildly bewildered. "Ae'ros...you _are_ Ae'ros." Obi-Wan told me. 

"No! _No! **No!**_ I'm D'nea! I'm..." I blinked. "I'm tall." I glanced down at the ground which suddenly seemed a whole lot farther away. 

"_Hey_!" a very familiar voice yelled. "That's _my_ body!" I looked up and saw...me. I (or, at least, my body) was pointing at Rahvin. "Give it _back_!" I...she...err...my body growled in a very not-me-but-definitely-Rahvin-like way.

"Guys! _Guys_! Calm down!" Avi yelled at us. We stopped and looked at her. "Now...what exactly has gotten into you?" We all started talking at once and she had to yell again to make us stop.

"Now...Ae'ros. You start." She was speaking to me. 

I glowered. "I am _not_ Ae'ros. I'm D'nea. And despite how much I like being this tall, I would really, _really _like my own body back. Now."

Vi eyed me. "If you're D'nea, then who's that?" She jabbed a finger at the body I used to reside in. 

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm _Rahvin_." She glanced at me. "How can you stand to be this short?"

I glowered. "Well, its not like I'm used to anything else."

"You've switched bodies," Avi blinked.

"No, _really_?," Rahvin and I glared at her. "We hadn't noticed."

Avi glanced at Ae'ros/Rahvin, who looked like he...err...she...err...whatever was having a mental breakdown. "I'm guessing its Ae'ros in there, right?"

Ae'ros/Rahvin nodded a little shakily, his/her eyes closed. "I'm trying not to think about it right now, actually."

The cruel reality sunk in and I moaned. "I'm in Ae'ros' _body_. I'm gonna be scarred for _life_."

"Who would of done this to you?" the little girl asked. 

"Enime. No doubt about it," Rahvin/Me nodded. She was having the easiest time dealing with the whole body-switching thing. "Doesn't he ever give up?"

"This is humiliating," Ae'ros/Rahvin moaned and slumped down onto the ground, putting his (A/N: I'm getting tired of bothering about that point) head in his hands. 

"No kidding," I agreed. 

Obi-Wan looked slightly anxious. "But...you can still find Dementia, can't you?"

"What?

"Dem?"

"Why?"

Qui-Gon explained for our benefit. "Dementia has been blowing up planets in our universe. At the moment they've all been small and uninhabited, but she's spelling her name in them. What if one of the letters is partly made up of a populated world?"

"Good point." Avi nodded.

Rahvin/Me frowned. "She lied to us. She said she wasn't going to blow up anything ever again."

"No...actually what she said was that she'd never 'do that again.' The 'that' referring to blowing up a plutonium mine," I pointed out. "I can't believe we didn't catch that sooner!"

"So you'll help us?"

"Yeah," Rahvin/Me nodded. "And when we find her, maybe we can get her to help us out of _this_ mess."

There was a sudden explosion from high above us, and the sound of high, squeaking, maniacal laughter. Something that had been charred to a crisp fluttered downwards out of one of the lower towers and landed at Rahvin/My feet. She bent down and picked it up, trying to figure out what it was. She flipped it over, and yelled. "_No!_ It's...it's....one of my _books_! That little cretin's in my library!" With a savage yell, she grabbed her sword away from Ae'ros/Rahvin and charged inside. 

A few moments later there was another explosion, and a stream of curses wafted down from the tower. "AUGH! Noooooo! You little...little...primary colored rodent! I'm going to _refract _you!" This was followed by sounds of some serious fighting, and a few panicked squeaks. Suddenly, a brightly colored speck leapt out the window, opened what I guessed was its little cocktail umbrella and floated away Mary Poppins style. Rahvin/Me poked her head out of the window and yelled after it. 

She was a bright, radioactive green.

I reacted badly. "_RAHVIN!!!_ What th' freakin' spuff have you done to my body?!?!" 


End file.
